Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Ashes of Dreams You Let Die

A pink slip.

BB NYP

There was only one other time that a piece of paper had this much weight on my life; the NS recruitment letter I got before the course. I was just scared then, because I really wanted to study and I would be around 21 after NS when I start my schooling at NYP.

Today I went to withdraw from the course. As I walked down the hall to meet my teacher. I remembered visiting NYP for the 1st time and recalling it to be bigger than a mall in KK(Wawasan Plaza, you got owned by a school:P). I remember wondering if I could actually meet up some decent people in Singapore( at the time I was working in a bar, and everyone there was pretty well sleazy and I guess I thought my 1st assumptions of the people here were like that but yeah I'm glad to know that's not the case). I felt shame and the feeling of studying for 2 years and having nothing to show for it.

I guess the 1st time I really knew that the course wasn't right for me was at the end of year 1 in NYP. I was just walking home with a friend when I said I wanted to change course to Mass Communications. He understood as I was not doing too well and I think we both knew that we did not mean to spend our lives in the future in front of a pc coding; not because it was hard but rather it just wasn't what we wanted for our lives. That being said, respect to him and the rest of you guys for doing well in the course.

Odd things, I guess if I did go into NS before all this then I wouldn't have to worry about leaving Singapore as much because I knew I could legally return. But that would mean that I would have never met all the people I have since my time in NYP. Every choice in life has a semblance of greater meaning even if we don't see it at the time. Indeed, the whole is greater than the sum of the two parts. But the world of "if only" is really just regret. Where does that leave me?Well I'm on the route of burning down the bridge as I cross it. I'll be canceling my PR and they told me that it would be unlikely that I would ever stay in Singapore again...

I guess the questions will be inevitable in the future as to just what did I really achieve here in my time in Singapore. I guess if anything, it's that I realized there was a huge world outside of Kolombong, Damai and Mt Kinabalu. That the sun really does rise outside your hometown. I'm sorry to I guess every1 in KK .. I left home for this course and I couldn't even finish it in the end.
Part of me feels I disappointed them and myself of course. And I'm leaving another hometown again for another course. Yeah and also feel I let down the people here too.I guess I thought I would have gone on to NS with the rest of them after the diploma and well I was ready to just grow old with the rest of them here. But it wasn't meant to be.

So I guess my biggest failure to me wasn't that I didn't manage to finish the course but.. I guess that I had to leave again after settling in. And to know that the next time I return it will be as a visitor. You don't think it's that bad.. but it is hard, you're now reduced to visitor status in your own hometown. Two places now... And I guess it's worse this time because I'm not moving an "island away" .. I was really moving to a different part of this world. I would be in a place where I'm 16 hours behind them. But I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up. Childhood , as blissful as it was, had to end... The same goes for the teenage years right?

There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm here in my position or because you think I should be. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who if he had done better wouldn't be in this mess. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this is all that's left. I got to live with that.

So what was I here? A student? Friend? Waiter? Devout servant? Dropout? I'll always carry these questions but the answer is not in black and white. It's all grey.


---

Hmm I like this vid down below.. It's pretty much about how he failed to get into the uni of his choice. I have similar feeling in what he says in this song because I feel what he experienced, that being failing big time in life..The experience is very sombre and cold...


PS I'll try to stop emo-posting :X

Labels:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Where I End and You Begin Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket2:47 pm